Self Worth.

My mother and I got into an argument yesterday. I understand her point of viewand why she feels the certain things she does, but the truth is every time shebitches at me about those things it makes me feel even shittier about myself.I'm a ghost in my own life. My heart beats but I am not alive. I hate this. Thisis my hell. This is fucking purgatory. It's miserable. I have nothing to look forwardto. Everyday is the same fucking shit. Does she really believe this is what I want?I have aspirations, goals, dreams. I have so much I really fucking want in life. Howcould I ever want what my shell of a life is now? I'm empty. I'm broken. It eats awayat my soul each day. It's completely consumed who I am. I don't think I can ever getback what I lost. Everything I thought loved me abandoned me. I am alone with mythoughts all the time. I've driven myself to the brink of insanity. I am confused to thepoint where I don't even know what I feel. Sometimes I do get comfortable with whatmy life is. But it doesn't make it any less painfully dreadful. I'd rather die than live likethis. It's becoming the only way I know how to live. I'm afraid of everything. I've lost every bit of social skills I used to possess, which was never much. I'm scared to talkto people. I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm ashamed of what I have become and what ismy silly little life. I want more than this. I want to live again. I'm so sick of the dread andutter repulsiveness I feel towards life. I want to be normal and do the normal things. I reallydo. But I have no way to get there. I am stuck. I don't know how many times I have to actuallysay that for my mom to understand it. But I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at myself. I fucked myselfover and I still have yet to fix my fucking mistake. I want to hurry up and change before I get toocomfortable with my life this way. Before it becomes the norm so much that it's all I want. I'mafraid of that. I fear wanting to be alone. I fear not wanting to have a life at all. I don't want it tocome to that. I don't want to become nothing, even more than I am now. See, I still have thishope that this isn't what my life will be. I still have hope that I can be who I want and do thethings I desire. But it's fading quickly. I can feel myself slip further into the comfort-ability of my life.It's my greatest fear to utterly not want to put any effort into things I want. I know that things don'tjust fall into your lap and you have to make them happen, scares me to death that I may one daysimply not want to do just that. I don't fucking know. I feel like I make no sense. My own feelingsare strange to me. I'm a fucking contradiction. I feel so numb and useless to life but yet I wantto be so much more. I wish I could know me again. I wish I knew what to do.