Now you're just a memory and I think I am okay with that. It's funny how your face seems to be slowly fading from my mind. It's blurry now. But the impression you left on my heart is still so clear. You royally fucked me over and I knew you would. And the only thing I can do is accept what it is. Lessons learned. Love will no longer blind me from the truth.

"It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."

You taught me that people are rarely what they seem. And to trust your gut because it's usually right. I will take this negative and flip it to positively help me grow. I hope you will or have grown too. Maybe I can be happy without you. I just can't let myself think too deeply of you, although you never leave my mind, because it just gets to be too much. I have to keep you distant in my thoughts. They must just be a glimpse, I must keep them that way until that's all you are. A glimpse of bittersweet.

The good was so fucking good with you. But the bad was so fucking bad too. I mourn what could have been with us. But it's not my fault that it didn't happen. I sometimes wonder if you wish you'd done things differently. I sometimes wonder if you'd wish you had of chose me.. I know that's a slim possibility though. I have to let my fantasies of you and the future you planned with me go. It's only eating me away to hold onto what could never stay.

I feel like my depression is almost personified as someone else living in me. And it’s been here for so long, like the animal that won’t leave your porch because you fed it that one time. And it’s like no, I’m sorry, I can’t keep you. But it doesn't care that you don’t want it, all it knows is that you have it’s life source and it wants to survive. So it sticks around and you realize it’s not going to leave so you’re like should I name it or will that just make me attached to it? And that’s how I feel about my depression.

I love and miss you so fucking much. Yet given the chance to have you back I had to say no. And I regret it. But I think I may have regretted saying yes even more. You lied. Everything you said was a lie. You never loved me at all and I gave everything to you. I hate that I love you. I hate that I miss you and crave you. I tried to relay my hurt to you and I got nothing. You must not have cared that much to get me back if you couldn’t even be arsed to try to heal my wounds.. and that just hurts me even more. I almost wish you’d never have talked to me again. I was healing, not healed but on my way and you just slashed my cuts again because I see through what you were doing, I’m your second choice. The only one left at that. How can I know that who I fell for is even real when everything was a lie? Oh you’ve changed now, yeah I’m sure, you were forced to, but how long would it last? It’s logical for me not to have taken you back but goddamn my heart hurts and burns to be with you. I wish I’d never fallen for you, and the sick part is you made me fall knowing none of it was real. There is so much to say to you but I can’t even form the words. I doubt you’d care even if I said them to you. You wanted to forget the past and start fresh, sounds nice enough, but how can I ignore such deep cuts you left? I don’t even know, I just know that you won’t leave my mind. You haven’t since the day I met you. You don’t even realize the damage you did.. it’s irreversible and permanent. I can never forget. I don’t want to believe you’re a remorseless monster, but it sure seemed that way when you ask for me back and hardly act like you did anything wrong. I want to erase you, every trace of you yet I long for you to hold me and tell me everything’s alright. But you caused this mess that I am and I don’t think who I love really exists, I’ve got to move on I just don’t know how.

You know that feeling when you’re about to burst into tears? You feel the pressure emerging from the back of your throat. And you know you’re going to explode. But you don’t want to. You don’t want the tears. But you just can’t keep it at bay. It’s coming and you just need to get away, but there is no where to run. It’s over nothing but yet everything and it’s crashing down on you.

I’m a ghost.

I’m lost, Stuck in purgatory.

Wandering in my own little world.

Alone.

With my thoughts, Dark, menacing thoughts.

Not a way out in sight. I don’t know how to leave.

My mind is cluttered and fogged. I trick myself into thinking this is what I want.

This is how I like it.

But I hate it.

I’m dead.

I’m nothing but a shell of who I once was.

I've lost me forever.

What’s a girl to do when she’s lost herself?

I wish someone had the answer.

I’m tired of wandering around my head all alone. 

But I’m not even sure a companion would ease the pain. 

The thing is I don’t fucking know what would.

Leaving here sounds like a good start,

but the problem is, there’s no way out.

My mother and I got into an argument yesterday. I understand her point of viewand why she feels the certain things she does, but the truth is every time shebitches at me about those things it makes me feel even shittier about myself.I'm a ghost in my own life. My heart beats but I am not alive. I hate this. Thisis my hell. This is fucking purgatory. It's miserable. I have nothing to look forwardto. Everyday is the same fucking shit. Does she really believe this is what I want?I have aspirations, goals, dreams. I have so much I really fucking want in life. Howcould I ever want what my shell of a life is now? I'm empty. I'm broken. It eats awayat my soul each day. It's completely consumed who I am. I don't think I can ever getback what I lost. Everything I thought loved me abandoned me. I am alone with mythoughts all the time. I've driven myself to the brink of insanity. I am confused to thepoint where I don't even know what I feel. Sometimes I do get comfortable with whatmy life is. But it doesn't make it any less painfully dreadful. I'd rather die than live likethis. It's becoming the only way I know how to live. I'm afraid of everything. I've lost every bit of social skills I used to possess, which was never much. I'm scared to talkto people. I'm afraid to let anyone in. I'm ashamed of what I have become and what ismy silly little life. I want more than this. I want to live again. I'm so sick of the dread andutter repulsiveness I feel towards life. I want to be normal and do the normal things. I reallydo. But I have no way to get there. I am stuck. I don't know how many times I have to actuallysay that for my mom to understand it. But I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at myself. I fucked myselfover and I still have yet to fix my fucking mistake. I want to hurry up and change before I get toocomfortable with my life this way. Before it becomes the norm so much that it's all I want. I'mafraid of that. I fear wanting to be alone. I fear not wanting to have a life at all. I don't want it tocome to that. I don't want to become nothing, even more than I am now. See, I still have thishope that this isn't what my life will be. I still have hope that I can be who I want and do thethings I desire. But it's fading quickly. I can feel myself slip further into the comfort-ability of my life.It's my greatest fear to utterly not want to put any effort into things I want. I know that things don'tjust fall into your lap and you have to make them happen, scares me to death that I may one daysimply not want to do just that. I don't fucking know. I feel like I make no sense. My own feelingsare strange to me. I'm a fucking contradiction. I feel so numb and useless to life but yet I wantto be so much more. I wish I could know me again. I wish I knew what to do.

I love the daily pictures my sister sends me of our kitty, Marley. When everyone split up from the move, of course Mars went with Meg and John, but she sends me pictures to update me on her. <3 I love Mars so much and she isn't liking it over at their house. ): She only stays in Megs room and doesn't come out from underneath the bed unless it's only Meg there. It hurts my heart. <3