These past few days have been some of my worst. I had no cigarettes except for my mom's, I was completely distraught and irritated and closely suicidal. I was miserable. It may seem silly, but it was almost unbearable. I cut myself yesterday. Which I haven't done in a while. It was all I could do to calm down. I was freaking out, stir crazy. Looking back on it all I regret hurting myself. I hate that I do it. And it's shameful. I guess you never really "get over it" when it comes to self-mutilation. I wanted to die right then and there. Everything was just on top of me and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was completely consumed in these awful feelings. The only good thing was that I stayed up all day yesterday. And I slept at night and woke in the morning, like a regular person! I feel better today. I feel content. I'm anxious though, to hurry up and move and get settled. I hate waiting around. And worse, it's stressing me out about packing and getting shit ready to go. I already started and packed a lot of my desk things, but I still have a lot to do. Hopefully July goes by relatively fast. Then I feel like I can start new. Unfortunately, I'm scared I won't find a job and I'll be forced to go to Job Corps. But I keep thinking, even if I don't get a job, my mom will have a car and I will have my license and then I could just go ahead and get my GED. Hopefully my dad doesn't totally object to that. I think it's a good thing. I mean getting my GED will make it easier for me to get a job. Putting that I have (according to record) no education is not going to make me qualified for almost any job. It just looks bad on the application too. I just really want shit to work out. And I know I'm going to be so devastated if it doesn't. And I'm not ready for that low.
Post a Comment